‘Do you believe in ‘Divine Justice’?”, suddenly my younger daughter asked that day.
“Why are you asking this question? You know, I don’t believe in anything illogical ! There is nothing called ‘Divine Justice’ in this universe. We live in a hypocrite world. It’s the truth which is paralyzed here while the reprobates are given a nod.”, I rattled on her for no reason.
“Mom! Would you feel bad if I reveal something?”.. Anindhya was trembling. I noticed she was trying to hold her tears.
“What happened?”, I literally screamed.
“He died a dog’s death. Exactly the very same way you cursed him.”, She was struggling hard to be calm but I could sense, she was badly shattered.
“Who?”, I guessed it but couldn’t believe my thoughts for once.
“You are right, Mom! He met with the fate he deserved. Or, was it the curse you hurled upon him? Are you happy now?”, Her eyes, by then started to tear profusely.
Don’t know why, I felt a deep shock and almost tripped over the recliner.
“No, I didn’t mean this when I cursed him. How could you say “a dog’s death”? Even our Bambi (our pet German Shepherd) deserves a good riddance, a respectable death. Those curses, maledictions were merely the expression of my deep anguish. Nothing, but the helplessness watching the most atrocious person happy after destroying us from the core”.
I Never wished for such an end even to that person who was the reason behind the excruciating pain and endless tears of my family. Who played with innocent lives and was living his life with utmost gaiety without any guilt or regret….
Don’t know why I started feeling bad for not feeling good about his terrible death. I mean, I was supposed to be happy. Right? But I was not. Anindhya and I, both cried like idiots and blamed each other for our idiocy.
It was a tough night. Initially, I thought this incident would make me strong. However, I was the weakest that night. The guilt of ‘not feeling happy’ overpowered the loss, the death. My blood pressure lowered to a dangerous level.
“Do you believe in divine justice?”
“No, I don’t!” There is nothing called justice in this universe. Nothing is constant. My hatred for a deceased person is my guilt now. It’s kind of an epiphany. The epiphany after a continuous epiphora which has literally blinded me since the last 8 months. He is forgiven, I guess, though unintended. It’s a “Neti Neti” moment for me.
ब्रह्मम् नेति नेति सत्यम्
God is the truth in negation. He can never be explained in affirmation. Can only be explained in the ‘Neti’…’No’. He is neither this nor that… without any beginning, without any end….
अनादि अनंत तत् सच्चिदानन्दं !
God ( सच्चिदानन्द ) has no beginning (अनादि ) and no end. (अनंत ).
Well! Then, who am I to curse someone or claim either for his gruesome death or good riddance? Isn’t it narcissism breaching the concept of neti-neti? Shouldn’t I feel nothingness? Ain’t I just a tiny speck in this vast expanse? A fragment in this universe? Just trying to think beyond my narcissism which leads to Kaivalya or Zen…or, I’m trying to discern the shrouded face of The Grim Reaper…
Hence, it’s a cathartic feeling.
I think I would sleep peacefully tonight after eons. For the last many months I used to sleep during afternoons. Nights were scary as my sister’s shriveled face and tormented eyes started to haunt me the moment I laid in bed. Her eyes were inquisitive, always. I tried hard to keep myself busy and happy. Always busy in either writing or humming or fighting with people around or shouting at kids for no reasons… Every useless act was an attempt to get rid of those eyes she bequeathed to me in ICU that day.
It’s a Neti Neti moment, as I said. Now I am neither happy nor sad. Neither scared nor content. Today, I was reminded of my beautiful sister’s cherubic face. She always looked like a baby, even in her 40s. That’s because she possessed an angelic heart which was an easy target to hurt. However, she looks beautiful yet again as she was until 2 years ago in this picture. Isn’t she beautiful?
Rest in peace, the Tormentor! We forgive you. Wish, I would have wished good riddance for you. ?
Sharing here: A Mural painting “KAIVALYA” by my sister, Vineeta Mishra
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